Envy and Body Grief

The green monster

Envy. We all feel it and we all have a different tolerance with it. 

Envy has been demonized since we were little, and rightfully so!

Because, if we act on our envy it can be harmful to others and ourselves. So we were taught that the little green monster was “bad”, “ugly”, “evil”, and we weren’t taught how to cope with the emotion of envy, what to do with the emotion! In response to the lack of emotional literacy surrounding envy, we feel shame. 

“I shouldn’t feel this way.”

“I am a bad person for feeling this way.”

I am here to talk about envy in regards to Body Grief. As a recap  Body Grief shows up in so many ways, here are some examples of Body Grief…

Chronic illness

Acute illness

Physical disability

Cancer

Aging

Puberty

Menopause

Weight Gain

Weight loss

Gender Dysphoria

Mental Illness

Injury

Addiction

Eating Disorders

Motherhood

Post Partum

I am sure you can find yourself in one or more of the categories listed above. Body Grief is universal, it does not discriminate. Finding a name for our experiences can bring so much clarity to what we are feeling, it can explain our pain. 

Comparison is inevitable. As I have told clients, comparison is inherently self preserving, it was once used as a tool to survive, yet now comparison can quickly turn into a liability.

This liability is literally at our fingertips, social media being one acute example, we compare ourselves constantly to those on our feeds. It’s impossible not to. It is when that comparison turns into envy that we start to feel shame, and the self sabotage cycle begins. We then want to act on that envy, we try to change ourselves and in turn we harm ourselves. 

But here is the thing, envy is a part of the Body Grief process, within the Fight stage to be precise.

We fight our Body Grief, we reject the truth that our body is screaming at us. We fight so hard to be something that we used to be, but it is quite impossible to go back in time. We envy what used to be, and we envy what others have and we do not. That is when it can feel icky, slimy even. 

I miss my old body, I miss what I used to be capable of doing. I miss going for walks, not having to take serious medications in order to survive, I miss the spontaneity of life! I miss being pain free. I miss being someone who could blend in. I even miss the life I thought I would have. I miss being able to drive, I miss being me. But now “me” is different, and that is hard as hell to accept. So I continue on in the grieving process, as we all do. 

Envy can sound like:

“I wish my problems were as simple as hers.”

“She doesn’t know how good she has it.”

“Wow, I would feel lucky if that was my life.”

“If only that were my life.”

Inherently we know that there is no hierarchy to suffering, granted a severity scale does exist in our suffering. “It could always be worse” is sometimes even a way in which I get through the hardest of times.

But it is all about perspective within that sentiment, because my worst could be someone’s peace and their peace could be my hell. But that knowledge doesn’t take away the feeling of envy. And you know what? Feelings don’t just go away, we can’t just put a bandaid on our emotional wounds and move on, they fester and come back. 

And so I want you to know it's ok if you feel envy in your Body Grief journey. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn't make you evil, it makes you human. 

It is all about what we do with that envy.

1. Acknowledge: Is this envy? Is this shame? What emotion am I experiencing and how does it make me feel?

2. Tap in: Take inventory, what is this emotion and situation trying to tell me? What can I learn from this? What do I need more of in this moment? What am I depleted of in this moment?

3. Affirm: Affirmations don’t cure but they help ground us, re center us. “I am here, I am healing.” “It’s ok to be human.” “It’s ok to be soft in a hard world.”

Is this where you are? Do you identify with this part of the Body Grief journey?