“I’m so glad you are here.”
I whisper to myself as I take an audible inhale and slowly sip my piping hot, slightly crunchy french press coffee on my screened in porch. My friends call it my magical porch, today I hold onto that.
I can feel the humidity in between my fingers and toes like it’s a thick blanket of wet heat, and it’s only 9am. Taylor swift is playing on my portable speaker I call my boom box, we haven’t given into getting an “Alexa” just yet. I massage my service dog, Wheatie’s lamb like fur on his black ear as he lays across my legs offering me Deep Pressure Therapy (DPT) for my Pain and Orthostatic Hypertension. As my little dog Gio curls up into a tiny ball and Lilly, my cat does her best impersonation of roadkill on the outdoor sofa. I can taste a salty tear drop on my lip as I notice a few more tears drop down my cheek. A wave of sadness and relief wash over me.
“I’m so fucking proud of you for staying here.” I think to myself, as I hear Taylor sing “and I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want, just not home…”
I don’t remember what living without pain feels like. What was that like? I ask myself. To not be held hostage by my body? To not dictate every minute move, and plan by my body’s inflammation, reactivity and pain?
I don’t remember what my body used to feel like, what my home used to feel like, I want so badly to go back, just for a day, just for a fucking respite from this torture.
But I can’t go back. I can’t go home. I think
"Just not home” I sing with her, my voice cracks.
I burst into tears….With all of this beauty around me and I can’t help but crumble. Taylor keeps singing.
My Tears Ricochet
My head falls forward, my face is caught by my hands, my coffee spilt all over my white porch furniture. Wheatie immediately concerned, looks at me with his lab/human like eyes and buries his nose in my hands to bring me out of my dissociated state and kisses the tears off of my face. His 60 pounds of labrador are certainly showing and I can’t do much but surrender, I laugh, as I cry. My soul dog saved me last night, and he’s celebrating me today.
This is Body Grief.
Every day I choose to stay, it hurts, it’s terrifying, but I’m so fucking happy that I make that choice. Because once I allow myself to break and feel my emotions (because feelings are meant to be FELT) I move forward. Body Grief healing compounds, and it is cyclical, but it builds on itself, so with each day I let myself choose.
Suicidal thoughts are twice as common among individuals with chronic pain and increase when said individuals experience other mental health conditions, chronic illnesses and comorbidities and marginalizations. September is Suicide Awareness Month, and Chronic Pain Awareness Month, as well as, Service Dog Awareness Month. Therefore I thought I would wrap up this Month’s Body Grief With Jayne Mattingly’s News Letter with a Jayne’s Journals about Chronic Pain, Suicidal Ideation and how my Service Dog, Wheatie has helped me with these things. All of which are Body Grievances discussed in my book, This is Body Grief.
Things that keep me here
Taking life one step at a time
Processing my Grief in real time
Sense of humor
Medication
Pain Management
Access to Care
Community
Pets
My Husband
Family
Friends
Music
Dancing
Small Joys
Mobility Aids
Water (lakes, ocean)
Coffee
TV shows and Movies
Books
Time outside
Cannabis
Writing
Purpose to help others
Laughter
My Service Dog
Cats
Raccoons
Painting
Helping others
Snuggling
Cystals
Cooking
Aroma therapy
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I am so glad that YOU are here. I am so proud of you. What helps you stick around? What is your tether? Body Grief is heavy, and Hope/Hopelessness is a very crucial phase within the 7 phases of healing journey of Body Grief. We can’t have hope without hopelessness and vice versa, it is our yin and yang.
Resources
Suicide Hotline 988
I love this!! Thank you so much! I see you!!
A lot of this resonates. Thank you ✨
The thing that helps me stick around is trying to see the beauty in things even when the fog begins to thicken. Like noticing a butterfly or the massive trunks of a tree. And beautiful moments with others and life in general. It’s a hard battle. Sending you lots of ease 🤎