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𝐼 𝑡𝑜𝑡𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠. 𝐼 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑜𝑛𝑙𝑦 𝑠𝑢𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑟 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝐶𝑃𝑇𝑆𝐷 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑠𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑚𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑢𝑚𝑎 𝑔𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑏𝑎𝑐𝑘 𝑡𝑜 𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑑ℎ𝑜𝑜𝑑, 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡 𝑏𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑑 𝑚𝑜𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑦𝑒𝑑 𝑎𝑡 9 𝑦𝑒𝑠 𝑜𝑙𝑑, 𝑐𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑑𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑏𝑜𝑑𝑦 𝑖𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑒 𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑢𝑒𝑠; 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝑖 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑎𝑓𝑓𝑙𝑖𝑐𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑠𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙 𝑐ℎ𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑖𝑐 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑡ℎ 𝑖𝑙𝑙𝑛𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑢𝑒𝑠(𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑦 𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑚𝑦 𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑢𝑚𝑎). 𝐼 𝑡𝑜𝑜 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 ℎ𝑎𝑑 𝑎𝑛 𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑙𝑦 ℎ𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑡𝑜𝑚𝑦 𝑎𝑛𝑑 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 ℎ𝑎𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑟𝑒𝑒 𝑏𝑎𝑐𝑘 𝑠𝑢𝑟𝑔𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑙𝑎𝑠𝑡 𝑏𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎 𝑠𝑝𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑙 𝑓𝑢𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛. 𝑆𝑜 𝑖 𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑚𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝑖 𝑜𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑖𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑑𝑟𝑜𝑜𝑚 𝑎𝑠 𝑤𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝑎𝑠 𝑖𝑛 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑐𝑖𝑟𝑐𝑢𝑚𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒𝑠. 𝐼 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝐷𝑒𝑔𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝐷𝑖𝑠𝑐 𝐷𝑖𝑠𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒 𝑠𝑜 𝑖 𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑙𝑙 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑐 ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑖𝑛 𝑚𝑦 𝑐𝑒𝑟𝑣𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑙, 𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑖𝑐, 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑙𝑢𝑚𝑏𝑎𝑟 𝑠𝑝𝑖𝑛𝑒. 𝐼 𝑡𝑜𝑜 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑠𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑠, 𝑎 𝑛𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑓𝑢𝑙𝑙 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑒𝑑𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠, 𝑖𝑚 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑒𝑑, 𝑖 ℎ𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑚𝑦 𝑏𝑜𝑑𝑦 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑚𝑦 𝑤𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑏𝑢𝑡 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑎 ℎ𝑎𝑟𝑑 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑑𝑢𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑖𝑚𝑚𝑜𝑏𝑖𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦 𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑢𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑝𝑎𝑖𝑛. 𝐼 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑠𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑐ℎ𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑖𝑐 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑡ℎ 𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑢𝑒𝑠 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝑖 𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑚 𝑎𝑙𝑙 ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒. 𝐼 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑡𝑜 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤, 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑎𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑒. 𝑆𝑒𝑥 𝑖𝑠 𝑎𝑙𝑚𝑜𝑠𝑡 𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑒 𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑠 𝑤𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝑎𝑠 𝑝ℎ𝑦𝑠𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑒 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑐𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑒𝑠 𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑟𝑒𝑔𝑢𝑙𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒𝑠. 𝐼𝑡𝑠 ℎ𝑎𝑟𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑒𝑛𝑗𝑜𝑦 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤ℎ𝑜𝑙𝑒 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑚𝑖𝑛𝑑𝑠 𝑠𝑝𝑖𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑟𝑜𝑙 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 ℎ𝑜𝑤 𝑓𝑙𝑎𝑤𝑒𝑑 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑙𝑜𝑜𝑘 𝑜𝑟 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑚. 𝐼 𝑡𝑜𝑜 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤 𝑏𝑜𝑑𝑦 𝑔𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑓 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑡𝑜𝑜 𝑤𝑒𝑙𝑙.

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This is Body Grief. Yes. Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story, I am honored to have you here! I see you as well. We are not alone. I appreciate you.

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I love the way this is written, it takes you right into the moment. A moment I've experienced in many similar ways - being chronically ill. I'm post-partum (via emergency c-section, and a heaping amount of birth trauma) and being a mother can feel verrry unsexy, too. My partner also is extremely caring and has never had a moment he doesn't feel attracted to me, but the internal shame can really overpower that sometimes. Thank you for sharing this with us, I look forward to more! Sending love to you, for when you have none for yourself.

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I see you! I see your Body Grief. This is all so valid and so real, and not talked about enough. I am glad that this atleast resonated with you. I am honored to have you here as a reader.

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So poignant. Grief is an emotional, physical, social and spiritual journey of the soul. Our bodies keep the score and show us what needs our attention. Thank you for entrusting us with your story. I am deeply moved.

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Thank you for being here! I am honored to share. This is Body Grief.

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Very well done my friend. Beautifully written!

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Love you friend.

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Thank you so much for writing about such an important topic. I have been living with chronic pain for some years now and I had to grieve my former life (still grieving). It's very difficult and it's a topic that is often misunderstood. People don't want to hear about it or give pat answers. Now I very seldom share my pain as I get angry when I feel dismissed. I need to find a community or group that knows what's like to live with disability. The Pain Clinic where I used to go told me that a support group for people with chronic pain would be a waste of time since it would be a 'griping and complaining' group. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Total lack of compassion and caring coming from a nurse at a Pain Clinic so you can imagine how the average person may not understand and give pat answers.

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