Body Trust?

Body trust is the antidote to Body Grief

“Am I crazy?”

“They are so sick of me.”

“I feel so lonely.”

All of the above, I have said and thought all of the above. I must be crazy right?! How could I STILL be in this much pain? How could I STILL be this sick?

It’s the negating the trust that I have worked so hard to build that concerns me the most. Second guessing every signal my body sends me, because of what? Because I am terrified of being dismissed, being labeled, being pushed aside. So I would rather risk my health over what others think of me. Thats a big NOPE.

I’m sure many of you can relate, in that I worked YEARS on trusting my body, on listening to what she has to say…in my recovery from my eating disorder, I learned how wise my body really is. I learned how body trust is a two way street. In order for my body to trust me I have to trust her and vice versa. And now, here we are 14 neuro surgeries later, spending 6 hours per day in bed, pain medication, oxygen, unable to walk, and so many tears….I was able and willing to turn on my body that quickly. Years of trust and hardwork, and at the flip of a switch, I gaslight her.

That’s sad and I won’t allow it any longer.

It’s time to dig deeper into that body trust, void of what others may think.

Why is it that I care so much about what my doctors think of me? When EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I have brought up a concern, I have ALWAYS been right.

My body has never let me down, she has always given me the signals and tools to get help. And yet, here I am, scared to come off some type of way.

I know where it comes from though…as a retired therapist, and current Eating Disorder professional, I know that even in the mental health world, that professionals stigmatize their clients. They talk badly about their client’s, label them as “crazy” or “dramatic,” or “attention seeking,” it’s all just so wrong and unethical, but it is the standard.

And as I lay here, in bed, in pain, I realize why should I care? I think it’s time to care less what my doctors think of me and care more about what my body is telling me.

She has never steered me wrong. She told me when I was going blind. She told me when I wasn’t eating enough. She told me when I couldn’t walk, she showed me that my body couldn’t handle the metal being implanted in my spine, and she is still telling me something. She is so angry, and rightfully so!

We talk a lot about “Body Betrayal” in the chronic illness world….but I have never been a fan of that term. I believe our body’s do everything they possibly can to keep us alive, and at a homeostasis….and it is the SYMPTOMS of finding that homeostasis that feels like betrayal. But in reality, it is PERCEIVED body betrayal. She isn’t trying to hurt me, she is trying to save me. And now it is my responsibility to honor her wishes, to listen to her, to communicate her needs to my medical team.

With that being said, my husband and family and I have decided it is time to go back to Mayo Clinic. My doctor agrees as well. It’s time to hand over these issues to a facility that will leave no stone unturned. But this means medical travel, taking time off of work, asking loved ones to take time off of work, and dealing with the grueling evil of insurance!

So that is where we are. Me and my body that is. That is where her and I stand…or sit I should say!

My body grief is strong, but my body trust is that much stronger. I will continue to abandon the care I have for how others perceive me, and lean into the strength and wisdom of my body and intuition.

I hope that you can do the same. Whether it’s your body telling you to rest, hydrate, nourish, move, stretch, speak out, change therapists or doctors, whatever it is….your body knows best! Body trust is the antidote to body grief, I am sure of it.

So how will you honor your body trust today? Tell me! Let’s chat!