Just Enough
The Validating of Burdensomeness
It’s interesting… the idea of being disabled.
We have the abled world telling us that we are inspiring for just existing. The same world that tells us that we aren’t welcome, the world that labels us as burdensome.
Many will say, "but don’t you think that is a projection?” “people don’t REALLY believe disabled people are burdensome!” As a helping professional who works in the mental health space, I too would have once said those exact words, or at least thought them! But those words are rooted in ableism, they are rooted in privilege of not being in a disabled body and living in a world built for abled humans. Disabled people and sick people have been labeled as a “burden” for quite some time, and it is no secret to us.
Just simple phrases can paint an entire picture that validates this entire belief system for us, in which we try to chip away at every single day; burdensomeness.
“It will be less of a hassle if I go and you stay home.”
“We can just do carry out.”
“It is just a few steps, I will can lift you in.”
“I don’t think they had people like you in mind when building this place.”
“Isn’t a handicap space enough?”
“Are you sure I can’t help you?”
“I really want you to be there but…”
“I didn’t invite you because I assumed you couldn’t go.”
“You are just DIFFERENTLYabled.”
“I just think it will be too much for you.”
“I will be worried about you the whole time.”
Speaking for myself, as a disabled person, my disability isn’t all that bad! I mean, yes…it comes with a shit ton of Body Grief, but
I would argue that the majority of my Body Grief comes more from my chronic illness than my disability, and when looking from the lense of my disability, PRIMARILY from the lack of accessibility the world offers me.
I have very little freedom. The world makes it hard for disabled humans to have freedom. In my accessible home, I thrive. With my people, who accept me, and have patience for me, and the time it takes to just transport and live life with me, I thrive.
The most painful grief comes when the world, or even more heartbreaking, someone close to you validates your feelings of burdensomeness.
It could simply be by the phrases stated above.
It could be by rushing you out the door or involuntarily pushing your wheelchair because you are going to slow for their liking, it could be apologizing to a passerby because they had to step aside for your mobility aid. It could be leaving you somewhere to go look at something while you sit alone. Because in the end I don’t need anyone apologizing for me, or making me catch up with others. I don’t need anymore reminders that my freedom and independence have been hindered. I don’t need anymore reminders that the world is not built for me.
Body Grief is so personal, and yet it is aired out for everyone to see. When we roll up to the checkout counter and we can’t reach the credit card machine, THAT is public fucking body grief!
When I have to interrupt a stranger’s dinner to have them stand up and move their seat because the restaurant doesn’t have enough room for my mobility aid, that is public body grief. When someone gets impatient with me because I am taking a while to get sorted, that is public body grief.
I deal with it, I adapt, I move on. Adapt and achieve, adapt and achieve. I usually just smile and go on with my day, but I then bury it deep down somewhere and it comes out later as a much bigger grievance than I realized. So here I am writing about it, because everytime I do, someone else out there feels the same way.
But at some point the grief sets in, that this world is not set up for me, and THAT is where so much of my disabled Body Grief lies. The lack of empathy, being able to put the shoe on the other foot. At what point are we going to turn it around and stop asking disabled people to adapt to an able bodied world? At what point are we going to stop validating this heartbreaking feeling of being “too much” or a burden to society?
The truth is that I know this is all a lot! The wheel chair, the dog, the meds, it’s a whole thing. But it’s MY whole thing. It’s my daily reality, it’s my life. I’m choosing to adapt, to a world that chooses to tell me to “calm down” and “stay home.” Which would be so much easier to be honest, but would leave me lonely, isolated and stuck in my grief forever.
So all of this to tell you. I do not believe in “too much” I believe in “just enough”
We are just enough for this world and it is time for the world to adapt to us for a change!
You are just enough!
What’s up this week!
This week I wanted to highlight a really exciting group that my dear friend and trusted colleague and attendee of my supervision group, Julia Parzyck, will be hosting this month! The Body- Image Support Group is an amazing offer right now while we are entering the dreaded “summer body toxic bullshit” season. Because you are enough as you are right now!!! Julia is offering a discount code for anyone who signs up with this code and is offering payment plans to make it as accessible as possible.
Body-Image Support Group: Starting Tuesday May 2nd
Use code: Code GOODJUJU20 for 20% off
Tuesdays 5PM MT
May 2nd
May 9th
May 16th
May 23rd
May 30th
June 6th
Who is this for?
• those struggling with their body-image and feeling safe in their bodies
• those who want a safe space to talk about their body image struggles
• those who want an understanding of body-neutrality and how to have compassion for our forever changing bodies
• those who want to learn about concepts like joyful movement, intuitive eating, and self-care
What does this include?
• 6 week support group
• weekly 1 hour zoom calls with supportive breathwork + grounding exercises
• guided discussions & journal prompts through a trauma informed lens
• community of likeminded women
• $400/6 weeks – around $66/call
Email fitfatandallthat
Code GOODJUJU20